Friday, September 10, 2010

I Hate Deja vu

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!  It's never wrong, it's never consistent, and something usually happens.  It starts as something little, nothing that you'd ever notice, something you don't even remember really being in the dream or the daydream or seeing.  Like something in the corner of your eye way beyond the lens of your glasses and so far out that you can't really be sure you are seeing it, yet so unbelievably clear that there is no denying that when you see it again, this time with both eyes in full focus (or both ears - as many are auditory memories while the visual is merely a placeholder, like while in the car).

Bad stuff doesn't always happen, sometimes nothing really happens.  But sometimes it starts a wave of deja vu events, and sometimes it means something big is coming, something unplanned, something that unbalances me even more than those, "hey didn't this already happen?"  moments.

One time it was just sitting in my seat in the car, we'd been driving, we were on a trip, I don't remember the details, and while we were on our way to either our destination or home (sorry I was a teen, sketchy on it all), we were going to someone's cabin/house.  I'd never been there before then it hit!  My parents said something, some snippet of conversation that wouldn't have made sense anywhere else and I remembered it.  I remembered that my Dad would not make a wrong turn (which soon became a question) and that when we got to the house it would be unoccupied.  I even knew what the house looked like.  Pretty humdrum, but at least I knew we weren't lost even though our side trip was a waste of time.  The worst, I'd distinctly remembered the dream from two months previous.

This has happened all of my life.  I had a friend once who thought I was psychic.  She was always trying to help me hone my undeveloped talent.  To help me predict future happenings, to reach out with telepathy.  Yeah, it never worked.  I could never tell what the symbol was on the card, and I didn't have a clue what it should look like at all.  As for predicting future events, by the time I recognize it as not having been a dream, but as a potential future reality, usually it's already started happening and most of the time, I don't have a nice conclusion like knowing about the empty house.  Most of the time, it's bits of conversation.  Sometimes it's snippet of an event.

Sometimes it comes in waves.  I'll have sequences that come, and then more and more in rapid fire secession. Usually, that's a bad sign.  If for no other reason that it throws me off. It makes me edgy.  It throws my internal balance all out of whack.  It makes me look.  Look sharply for the piece of the puzzle that I'm not holding.  And there is always the part of me that dreads that it's going to lead to something bad, something I'd rather not see happen.

Tonight it was extra weird.  Tonight was the first time I've ever had a moment of reading deja vu.  I have a friend, who is very dear to me, with a premature baby.  Her daughter is an amazing gift from God.  I follow her blog closely and I went to see her when I had the chance and so wish I had an excuse to do so again, but it's a 2 hour drive and I just can't "take off and go".  Tonight (last night for those of you reading since this will have a posting delay) she updated her blog.  It was all good news about how her daughter is growing and become more and more of a beautiful baby, but then, at the bottom, there it was - the exact paragraph I was sure I had read at least a month ago!  Word for word, EXACTLY as I'm sure I'd read it before.  It was a personal statement.

Now, I know I have the ability to read some people.  I can sense when things are off, sometimes.  Especially if I'm not terribly close to the person.  Some people think it's my spiritual gift, others think I'm just observant that way.  I have to admit I'm fine with either explanation.  I don't think this is the case right now.

I remember more.  More than I read.  I remember seeing my friend, but I can't remember what was going on.  I don't remember the situation.  There are lots of people, her other daughter, sons.  It's crowded, I know I feel crowded, but I can't remember what happens.  At this point I pray it's all a dream of an overactive mind that needs to spend more time sketching on her paper napkins than focusing on the 4th dimension.

Now as I get ready for bed, I'm edgy.  My dreams will be more disturbing than normal.  I'll tell ya the last few nights have been some crazy dreams, some great stuff in there... maybe I should start keeping a dream log too.... maybe when I'm not needed the minute I wake up.  I'm sure I'll be off all day tomorrow.  I wonder what I'll hear that will spark with recognition.  What of my precognition will play out in the future, or if this will be one of those, one time situations.  They are rare, usually the experiences continue on and off for a few months.

Oh and of course I went and made sure she hadn't posted it before.  Or even something really similar.  I skimmed all the blog posts, I didn't find anything.  I was so sure I'd read it before, read it exactly.  I really do hate when this happens!

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